My Sometimes Demon (aka: Looking through PBD)

Sometimes I see a situation that is well and truly bleek as being full of opportunity.

Sometimes I see a situation that is amazing as being bleek.

I try to see it differently.

I wish I knew how.

Sometimes I'm able to be your friend.

Sometimes I'm able to laugh and cry with you.

Sometimes I'm able to joke with all my heart.

Sometimes I'm able to go out with you and have so much fun!

Sometimes I don't know what to say.

Sometimes I say things that aren't nice; and I'm trapped inside my own self unable to stop myself from speaking.

Sometimes I proverbially beat myself up for days because I said the wrong thing.

Sometimes I can't figure out why you're mad or sad.

Sometimes I stay quiet when I should speak.

Sometimes I get irationally angry. I rarely express this well.

Sometimes I think you don't like me, even when you've given me no cause to think this.

Sometimes I look at you and feel nothing. (I especially hate this.)

Sometimes I forget the important things.

Sometimes I remember them, just in time for it not to matter.

Sometimes I just feel awkward.

Sometimes I just want to die.

Sometimes I wonder what you see when you look at me.

Sometimes my brain makes me think you hate what you see.

Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way I feel.

Sometimes you can say something, and I'll read way to much between the lines.

Sometimes I forget to look between the lines at all.

Sometimes I wish I could be more normal.

Sometimes I wish I could see outside of me.

Sometimes I wish I were different.

Uterine Bereavement Support and Education: Emotional Menstruation?!

There are a ton of things the doctors "glaze over" or simply don't tell you when you find out that your uterus doesn't work for one reason or another.
         The biggest one that jumps out at me is the Emotional or Hormonal Menstruation. This is where, due to hormonal changes in your body, you experience all the mental and emotional effects of menstruation.
           I lost my uterus about 6 years ago to cancer. Both my uterus and cervix were removed. They left my ovaries so that I wouldn't experience premature menopause. As a result, I still experience the mental and emotional side of menstruation. This is particularly painful, as it is a reminder of what I have lost. I will still experience PMS symptoms, I will still experience cravings. I still get moody.
           For a few years I didn't say anything about it. I didn't tell a soul. I thought, " Oh! It's all in my head." (You know, like all other "womens problems.") Finally one day, I was in a super bad mood while I was at the doctor's office. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He asked if it was around the time of the month I used to menstruate. I thought about it, sure enough, it was. He then went on to explain about how I still go through the hormonal ups and downs and even cramping in the muscles that used to be around my uterus. "It's pretty common. Not all women experience it, but many do." I asked why no one told me this and he just shrugged. I have never gotten an answer.
            If you get PMS and have not uterus, you are not alone. Talk to your doctor about it.
I found this resource while I was writing this post and thought it would be useful for people to know: http://www.hersfoundation.com/ 

Never feel like you must suffer in silence. Talk to someone.

Jennica Duncan.

Uterine Bereavement Support and Education on Facebook

Trapped- A poem By: Jennica Duncan

-Trapped-

_________

Here we are again.

The darkness greets me as I slip inside.

I feel trapped in my head.

Imprisoned there by my past with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

It's been a decade! Maybe two!

And still when I let my guard down it's right there.

I see it over and over.

Betrayal of my trust burning my skin, my mouth, my hair.

Anger burns hot as coal.

The flames raging up and out across my life.

It burns everyone I love.

Trying to keep it contained is like walking on a knife.

I get ahead of it, and burn it right back

Capping the jar when its small enough to fit.

Hopefully its not too late.

Hopefully the good fires are still lit.

By: Jennica Duncan

Sleep Baby Sleep

Singing on camera, AND into a mic terrifies me. BUT!!! My big goal this year is to get rid of that fear and maybe be able to sing on stage with some of my friends. <3

10 Things You Need to Know BEFORE Befriending a Writer.

10 Things You NEED To Know 

Before Befriending a Writer.

By: Jennica Duncan

  
 Being friends with anyone can be tough. As with all artists, being friends with a writer... well lets just say that this can make friendship a little tough-er.

   Writers have special needs. Needs that most ordinary people normally wouldn't dream of imposing on those close to them.

   Before befriending a writer, please make sure that you are aware and capable of handling these needs! Why? Because they love and trust deeper than anyone else. Ever. They feel emotional pain and heart break stronger than a teenaged girl on her first break up... EVERY TIME. Those of us who truly DO love these writers, will be left to clean up your mess every time... and we may well lose our shit and hunt you down! :) Below is a list of things to look forward to. Can't take the heat? Stay out the kitchen. End of story... pun intended!

1) You have to make an appointment to see them the ENTIRE month of November. Make sure that you are aware that your appointment can change or be canceled depending on how much time they've been able to spend on their Na-No-Wri-Mo... and how many words behind they are. Better yet... Just write all of November off. You can see them again in December, that way you don't get disappointed. (But make sure you call so that they know you're still alive... also so you know they're still alive!)

2) They require more "me time" than pretty much anyone else. And we give it to them because we love them. (In writer speak, "me time" translates to writing time.)

3) We put up with having our heads proverbially chopped off because they took 8 hours of me time (which got interrupted 3 or 4 times by ignorant people calling ) and forgot to eat, so now their blood sugar is low.

4) When ignorant people call, interrupting the writer's "me time"... they may or may not exercise their right to completely negate that day's entire me time. You may then hear, until the next scheduled me time, how they never get any me time.

5) Writing takes A LOT of energy! No, I truly am NOT in any way saying this with any amount of sarcasm at all! It really does take a lot of energy. This said, even if you've called the day before to make sure that you're still on for today... and this morning too... if it's a writing day, you will likely end up with a cancelled date. After writing for 6 hours straight, your writer friend is going to be completely bushed and wanting nothing more than a hot bath and their blanky. 

6) Writers look at their writing as a job. Whether they get paid for it or not. You and I might see it as a hobby. Especially if they aren't getting paid for it. BUT!!!! Don't ever! ever! ever! ever! ever! ever say so. If you value your life... and your eardrums... don't ever say that. Just nod your head and agree that deadlines (self imposed or not) are hard as fuck. Just do it! Trust me.

7) If your writer friend trusts you enough to read their manuscript to you... sit down, shut up and listen... even if it takes 3 days. You listen. You get coffee. You get food. You do all of this while listening. This is the biggest fucking honor and people who have been friends with the writer forever, would kill to be in your position. Just listen.

8) Be prepared to sit there and listen to your writer friends manuscript for 3 days, just to have them decide it sucks balls, and toss it in the trash. Then decide that they want it back four days later. They will likely do this 5 or 6 times before they send the manuscript off to the publisher. It is an emotional roller coaster that those of us who love our writer friends lament and love all in the same breath.

9) When your writer friend finally manages to publish their work, DON'T BE A CHEAP ASS! Go out and buy the very first fucking copy that's been put out on the shelf. Make a big deal about it! Take a selfie of that shit! Post it to public media! Go on Amazon and rate that book... as soon as you've read it. Your writer friend may well "friends off" if you give them a false review to stroke their ego.

10) If your writer friend is a blogger, read their blogs! They will write them and plaster the links to EVERY public network site they can. Chances are, if you want to know what's going on in thier lives? Read their blogs. Yes, every single one of them. Even if you just glaze over them and get the general idea. Read them. 

   This may seem like an awfully tall order just to be friends with someone. Trust me though. If you are able to fill this order, you will have a friend that will love you unconditionally, will always be there for you and will LITERALLY give you the shirt off their back just to make you happy. The companionship that you will get from befriending your writer will out weigh ALL of the sacrifices. My best friend is a writer, and I wouldn't have her any other way!

Pet Rats: Stuff No One Ever Told Me.

Some people really don't give a rats ass (ha!) about rats. They think that rats should not be kept as pets. If this is you... This post really isn't for you. 

For those of you who are still reading, chances are you love your rats or are thinking about getting one or two for yourself. That's great! Mostly they make really cool pets. There are just a few things that I have learned over my 10 years of having rats that people don't generally talk about. I'm going to bust that shit wide open. 

1) Don't buy your rats too young! If the breeder or pet store clerk tells you that the rats are too young to *sex* DON'T BUY THEM. It is super easy to tell a rats gender VERY early on. If the babies are too young to sex, they are too young to be away from Mama. Don't let anyone tell you different. Why is this important? Let me tell you a story. One day, my partner and I decided that we wanted rats. There were no rats available at our local shelter so we went ahead and bought them from a pet store. They were really young. They had only had their fur for maybe half a week. The clerk told us they were all females. WELL... the clerk lied. Fact is, none of the male pups testes had dropped yet. 
We kept our little fur balls in the same cage, thinking that they were the same gender. We had read about "pseudo testes" that sometimes developed in a more dominant female rat. 2 Months after we brought our cute little bundles of joy home, we found 12 little pink things in the cage. Unable to find homes for them all, the bundles of joy went to the pet store. Because the parent rats were related, the pups were used as snake food. After the pups were removed from Mama, she went nuts and killed the Papa. Moral of the story? Just wait.
*To Sex a rat, is simply telling what it's gender is.*

2) You MUST Keep the Cage Clean! Yeah I know this seems like a no brainer. But it really is very important. Dried rat urine becomes dust. That dust can cause Hantavirus. It really is unpleasant. Aside from that nasty little piece of info, a dirty cage means a sick rat. They can get all kinds of respiratory illnesses very quickly and easily. A dirty cage will stress your rat out and that too can cause illness and infection. My rule of thumb for my rats is cleaning the cage once a week per rat in the habitat. So if I have 1 rat in the cage, I change and clean it once a week. If I have 2 I clean and change it twice a week, etc. Why did I specify cleaning and changing? Well cleaning the cage means that I remove everything and wipe it down. The bottom, the toys and each rung of the cage too. I do this with vinegar and hot water. Vinegar is a natural disinfectant and residue won't harm my rats. I also boil all the water bottles and food containers. It takes 5-10 mins and makes it so they won't get any diseases from contamination. Changing the cage is simply changing the bedding and food. I do this as often as it looks like it needs it.
To learn about Hantavirus

3) Wash Yourself After Handling Your Fuzzbutts. For those of you just starting out on your ratty adventure, you read this over and over again. You read it for a reason. Our furry little shoulder pets walk in their poo and pee with no care about what they are walking on. Their little claws pick up teeny tiny particles and then transfer it to our skin. Not really of big consequence until you factor in that their tiny little claws leave tiny little cuts when they walk on us. Get the picture? Now. Let's factor in that rats will pee and poop wherever they want. Your shoulder, neck, chest, back, arms... yeah pretty much, if they are on you... you are their litter box. This isn't their fault. They literally can't help it. If you don't wash yourself after holding them, the cuts will get infected. This is unpleasant. Also, dried rat excrement stinks. I have a poop hoodie. I wear it every time I hold my rat. It gets washed every day.

4) Bagged Rat Food is Healthy Right? SURPRISE!!! Nope. What a huge shock that was to me when I first found this out. In most cases there are lots of things in a bagged rat food that rats don't generally eat. Some are better than others, but don't hold your breath.
It's perfectly ok to keep some in the cage for snacking on (although I bet your rat wont touch it.) but you really want to make sure that your rat has a good variety of fruits, veggies and meats. You want to stay away from a lot of processed foods (as you should for yourself) and if your produce seems a little iffy for you to be eating it, chances are your rat shouldn't either.
This is my "Go to" Guide on ratty nutrition. (Not my article but I use it so often it could be!)

5) Rats NEED Toys. I used to think that all those pictures of those cages, over crowded with toys and climbers were ridiculous. Then my rat got depressed. Yes! Under exercised rats get depressed. You know your rat(s) is/are depressed when: They are lethargic and won't do anything. They won't eat or drink even their most favorite treat. They don't want to cuddle with humans or other rats. 
Those toys and climbers? Yep, they saved my little guys life! You can make them yourself (but please research rat safe materials) or buy them at the store. You can repurpose all kinds of toys made for other animals. Those jingly balls your cats never actually play with? Your rat will. Mine likes them hanging from the cage with a string or pipe cleaner. 
All those little, brightly colored wooden blocks you see at the pet store? Yep! Those are actually useful toys! Rats teeth never stop growing and chewing on those wood blocks keeps them filed down so you don't have to pay ungodly amounts for the vet to clip those teeth! That brings me to my next point...

6) Not All Vets Will Treat Rats. Nor do all vets know anything about them. I'm serious! I have been turned down by 3 vets in my 10 years as a rat mommy. Those 3 vets told me that if my rat needed to see a vet, it should be euthanized. Before you get a rat, please make sure there is a vet in your area who will treat it. 

7) Just Because it SAYS Rodent Bedding... doesn't mean it's good for them. There are tons of different kinds of rodent bedding out there. My least favorite is the woodchip style bedding. Those wood shavings (ESPECIALLY CEDAR!!!!) are horrible for your rats lungs.
My personal favorite bedding is free. In my area we get free newspaper twice a week. That newspaper is mostly (except for the glossy fliers) printed with vegetable ink. If it's not a glossy insert, it goes through the paper shredder and into my ratty-tat-tat's cage. This is particularly awesome because when the rats are done using it, it gets a good dose of water and goes straight into the compost pile. The water washes away the majority of the urine and my tomatoes, roses and lilacs get a nutrient rich diet. Zero waste= happy planet= happy me!

8) You can't Not handle your rat and expect it to be tame! I have seen so many people make the mistake of getting a pet rat because it's "easy." They rarely take it out, rarely play with it and expect that it won't bite their 3 year old nephew when he wants to hold it. Rats are social animals (yeah, I know, you read that EVERYWHERE... probably because it's TRUE!) If you have another rat for it to play with, chances are you can go for a day or two(max!) without socializing with it. If your rat doesn't have a little ratty friend to keep it company, YOU are the only family it has. They need a MINIMUM of 2 social hours A DAY!!!!!! (I can't stress that enough!) to stay a pet. They can and will revert back to their wild instincts if they are not socialized. It's really as simple as plopping your furbaby on your shoulder while you check your email or sweep the floor or play your game console. Reach up and pet it every so often and scritch its neck. Get a rat harness and leash and take it for a walk. Just make sure you socialize with him/her every day. If this seems like too much work for you, get a fish.